ADHD Noise Up, Writers Block On, Can’t Win

So, I’m still waiting for the Vyvanse. CVS Caremark thinks it’s a pretty good idea to send medication 4th class.

4th class apparently means “Take your sweet time USPS, it’s not that important.”

I’m not sure if it’s a psychological thing, or something I just happen to notice — but since I got diagnosed it’s like my ADHD’s volume got cranked up from it’s normal 6-7 to about 9 to 11. It’s been hard to concentrate. Hard to sit still long enough to produce anything.

My question is, was I always like this and because I now know — it’s effecting me more? Regardless, I still need to work, and I still need to produce enough REALLY SOLID material for my MFA application. But Oscar, my ADHD, just isn’t letting me.

It sucks, it feels like I’m being dramatic, but I’m not. It’s all just noise in my head that goes in this rapid succession so it almost sounds like radio static. But if I had to put words to it it would be this:

My material is mainly screenplays. I want my MFA to work on a novel. I have to start the novel. I started the novel and got over 100 pages in, and it’s a mess. Learn from the mess, think back to the lessons from screenplays and from my time at The New School. Okay I need to outline — if I have a roadmap, I can work from there. Cool, start the outline — oh shit I haven’t played Skyrim in forever. No wait, go back. Yeah but I can’t outline with this computer, I need an iPad. Fine get the iPad. Got the iPad — oh the keyboard I bought is broke. Back to Skyrim. Return the broke keyboard, buy a new one — weather sucks — ooh that dark elf is starting shit and he has scale armor! Goddammit. Got a new keyboard. Cool… I can’t concentrate here in the place I built specifically for concentration, the girlfriend is distracting. She’s not fucking here! Oh shit Skyrim! Go to the library at work no Skyrim there. Okay don’t know what to write — that’s why I wanted to outline. Too hard. Chunk it. You have the basic timeline write that down, fill it out. Too hard, need coffee. Get the fucking coffee, then try again. Got the fucking coffee… outline outline outline — how do I do that again? FUCK! Start with the basic timeline! You have that! Just get it out! I miss my typewriter. It makes noise. You can do the first draft on the typewriter. When? Soon as you outline the first half. When? Soon as you outline the first half. When? Soon as you outline the first half. Which typewriter, Olive or Grandpa? Worry about that later — Okay the main character is in the Staten Island woods. He doesn’t want to go– Skyrim? No. Just a Google? I want to see where my medication is? It’s lost in the mail. You’re not going to hear anything until Monday the earliest, then they’re going to have to send it again. TEXT – You owe the doctor $400 for finishing the initial appointment that already cost $700. You have the money, worry about it later — oh shit MindNode’s outline feature is pretty tight. Let’s start there — Okay… Nope. I dunno what to do. You’re outlining chapters. You’re practically writing the damn thing. Slow it down, brainstorm. Get the timeline. I need a new keyboard. You have one. I need a new one. So I can arrange my writing desk better with the iPad and/or computer. It’ll only cost $30. You said you can’t concentrate there. Yeah, because I’m distracted by the fact my desk is tiny, and the iPad is big. FUCK!! Fine! If you don’t get it you’ll be looking up YouTube videos about it until you do. I don’t do that. You did that with the iPad. Was it a good purchase? Yes! Now please… Something anything. Royal Rumble time! Come on! Just watch the replay on Peacock later. Yeah, but spoilers, and I’m a little hungry. We can make popcorn and order a pizza, maybe make wings. God fucking damn you.

Yeah, so it’s like this right now. It sucks.