I’m The Ghost

So I’ve been living with my diagnosis for two weeks now. It’s been a thing. I’ve been handling it well, I think. I was telling my therapist that I feel like Bruce Willis at the end of the “Sixth Sense.” You know, when he ends up replaying the entire movie in his head, it turns out that he’s a ghost. That’s what it’s like.

Every fuck up, every mistake, every time I spaced out in class, or flipped out about something minor, or took too much on, all of it could be attributed to ADHD.

I still think about the great breakdown of 2012, and how ADHD probably played a huge hand in that. If I knew, if I got treated or something — I don’t know. I’m not sure if things would be different, but it would have been prevented at least

Without going into too much detail, I had a total mental breakdown in 2012. It led to a break-up and then a long period of time just isolating myself.

Today I had my second appointment with my psychiatrist. We’re giving Vyvanse a shot. I’m not against medication. As the Reddits say I’ve been “rawdogging my ADHD” for my entire life, and although with all things considered I did ok.  However, I know I need the help.

But since we’re back to back and then back to a god awful president and coming off of a mediocre one, there’s still shortages of ADHD drugs. I’m trying to be hopeful though, I probably live in the capital of ADHD so they have to have a pretty big supply over here.

Fingers crossed.

However, lets assume for half a minute I could find a source that takes my insurance (America, amirite?), and to go further down this thought experiment — what happens?

Do I end up more creative, less? Or will I be able to focus on being creative? What happens to the never ending dialog in my head?

I know the person talking in my head is me, but that voice got me through a lot. Its almost like a friend. If the medication quiets it, will I notice? Will I feel lonely? As long as I take the drugs, will I be normal?

Maybe one of you could tell me… You know on second thought, don’t. I’m afraid of your answer.

I always wondered what it felt like being normal. As far back as I remember, something always felt off. Like there was some sort barrier between me and the rest of the world, or I just felt different.

I guess now I know why, and I’m excited about finding out what I’m made of with my ADHD under control. I want to give things a shot that would have been in impossible, like an MFA. I want to be able to finish a novel. I want to be able crank out more work consistently.

Despite it all, and despite the horrors in Washington right now. I’m excited for the future.