I hate to say it, and think it, because this country is pretty much a dumpster fire… filled with medical waste… and diapers filled with post-vindaloo and lager shits. But, with all things considered… I’m doing really good right now. (Just knocked on wood).
An ongoing theme in my therapy is when things are doing well, I don’t know how to handle it. At any given moment, I really expect it all to fall apart. Because that’s what happened before. I don’t want to go through the whole history of it, but but from 2009 to about 2020 I was really struggling. Financially I was struggling, emotionally I was struggling, physically, mentally… pretty much in all aspects in my life.
Then only reason it stopped in 2020 is because COVID 19, gave me a huge break. I didn’t need to go to the shitty corporate office anymore, so I was spending less money. It offed my terrible landlord1, so my apartment was completely repaired, and then was rent stabilized.2
Eventually the shitty corporate job let me go, which ended up being a blessing because I was able to change my health insurance to something better, so I was able to see a doctor — then I got a better job… you know when bad things snowball, sometimes good things do too.
Anyway, I have vision insurance, a pretty good one too. Normally I would go with the cheapest option, so Warby Parker.3 The thing is though, I have the money. I can get a really nice pair of glasses, the place I work at is so cool, they’ll let me GO TO THE DAMN EYE DOCTOR WITH OUT GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT LEAVING 15 MINUTES EARLY OR SHORTING MY PAYCHECK.
Yeah I’m looking at you CBS, Daily Mail, and FTI.4
So the thing doing well after so long of not doing well, it’s really paralyzing. Where do I go? What’s cool? Can I afford it?
Obviously yes for the latter, it’s not like I’m going to go and get a $600.00 pair of glasses. But I can splurge out a little for a designer pair of prescription sunglasses. Which, yeah, I really want to do. I earned it right?
Did I? Or am I just telling myself I did? That’s the thing, after having such a long period of time of struggle and pain, it burns you all the way down to the soul. Even when it’s over, its never really over. You’re always going to be looking over your shoulder, for the next disaster. You convince yourself, that doing something nice for yourself, even occasionally is folly, because you could use those resources for an upcoming rainy day.
Even though I’d look killer in a pair of these:
But pulling that trigger, even going to the store to try them on it’s a terrifying prospect. Unless I win the lottery, or some how end up getting a couple of million from a novel or something,5 I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to treat myself without that tinge of regret.
It’s ok, she was like in her 80s, and still had lead paint in the apartments. Ones with kids in it. So she was like a real piece of shit.
Just a fun note about this. The only good thing that shitty landlord did was never raise the rent. She probably did that because she was probably hiding rent income so she didn’t have to pay taxes. So when they gave me a lease, the building was rent stabilized — so they couldn’t raise me more than what the rent board guidelines were. So essentially, I’m paying 2009 prices right now.
To be fair though, I really do love their frames.
Yeah, fuck it. I’m naming names from now on.
I know it’s unlikely, I just like to dream ok?
